Teri

It is with a heavy heart, but also great hope and anticipation that I usher in 2015. It has been a year covered by God's faithfulness, in all the joys and losses. My heart overflows with gratitude for ways I saw Him move and hopefulness and trust for things still yet to be understood. I have been reflecting on Psalm 77:19. The Psalmist reminds us that His "way was through the sea… through the mighty waters; yet His footprints were unseen." I find great solace in God's unseen purposes and ways as I reflect on deep sorrow from 2014.

I want to tell you about Teri. With a laugh like a spark that could spread a wildfire of smiles. With a courage to obey Jesus in ways you and I have never had to face. I want to tell you about the torment  and loneliness she battled every day. I want to tell you about the two years of laughter and tears we shared over her victories, questions, doubts, and faith. But words can hardly do merit to the incredible woman Teri was and the vast hole she left in my life and in our home when she left us to be with Jesus on October 3rd.

Addiction, loneliness, depression. These demons haunted Teri until her last days. I would give anything to have made her battle a little bit easier. But Jesus never promised for this life to be easy, He just promised that if we reach out for Him in our struggles, He will enter into our pain and hold us. I saw Him hold Teri as she battled every day for her life. The world would say that the demons got the best of her, killing her through an overdose. But the world also celebrated Satan's victory when Jesus' lungs filled with His own blood to the point of suffocation. They didn't realize that the story wasn't over. And I have full confidence that Teri's story isn't over either. This isn't the "success" that I would have chosen for her, but it is what God chose. And every day I have to choose again to believe that His unseen way, His unseen purpose is better and more Christ-glorifying than mine.

I still walk out of my bedroom, half expecting to bump into her and exchange snarky jokes about her age or my love life. I wish I could text her to wish her a wonderful day and let her know I am praying for her. But in those moments, when the reality stabs deep, I have to try to rejoice in the powerful memories she left.

I went to tell you about the day in February that I, along with her pastor, dipped Teri under water after her public commitment to serve Christ. And the glow on her face for the days following her baptism. I want to tell you about the people she listened to, gave wise advice to and loved well. I want to tell you about the day she told me she loved me. But there are always more stories to tell, images to describe. And God is somehow weaving them all into His narrative, that touched my life and many others. I will always cherish 2014 for giving me my last moments to be with Teri.

Pleasing people...

I thought I'd share a journal entry from October, that still rings true as the Lord continues to confront me with my idol of people-pleasing, especially as I am involved in relationship-focused ministry.

"If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." Titus 1:16

"How can you believe if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God?" John 5:44

"October 15, 2012
Tonight I am battling this overwhelming sense of needing to prove to myself and everyone else that I am a desirable, talented, worthy person. I'm also very lonely and empty in this battle.

The irony is that I am not in and of myself desirable, talented or worthy. It should be no surprise that I make huge mistakes, hurt people, say awkward things, turn against God.

The beauty and absolute counter-cultural horror is that, Christ steps in and says, 'Only because I desire you, you are desired (even though you are actually utterly detestable). Only because I am worthy, in you can be found worth (though by yourself you are nothing). Because I redeem and perfect your actions, they actually come to something (but by themselves they will only destruct). All of these things are from and found in Me.'

'I command you to remain in me (John 15) because I give you the permission and ability to, by the power of the Holy Spirit. Others' opinions don't have to run your life. Situations don't have to change you. I am the source of your fulfillment, of your wholeness, of any beauty in your life. You may run to the gifts I've given you to seek fulfillment now, but I tell you that they will never satisfy your deepest longings. Never.

Can you trust in the Giver to give you what you need? Even to the point of death ("Even in death the righteous have a refuge" Prov. 14:32)? 

My gifts are only ever meant to turn you to me, for I want to see your face upturned to mine, my child. I long to hear your voice whispering to me throughout the day. I want to you to confess your fears, your desires, your joys, your pains to me. I want to hold your hand, but as long as you are groping for something else, I can't.'"

The Peace of God

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 
Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4: 4-7

How many times have I heard this verse? And yet, living out the truth of it is still an intense struggle. God has used some recent events to show me the level of fear, distrust and anxiety in my heart when it comes to my residents' well-being. A lie lives inside me, feeding off my pride, that says I know better. I know what they need after all the abuse and loss they have experienced. This leads to anger at God when He doesn't do what I think He needs to do in order for them to grasp the gospel and submit to Christ. 

The question is, do I trust God to be good in all His actions, what He allows to happen, to me and to the people I love?

"And shall I pray Thee change Thy will, my Father,

            Until it be according unto mine?

            But, no, Lord, no, that never shall be, rather

            I pray Thee blend my human will with Thine.

            I pray Thee hush the hurrying, eager longing,

            I pray Thee soothe the pangs of keen desire -

            See in my quiet places, wishes thronging -

            Forbid them, Lord, purge, though it be with fire.

            And work in me to will and do Thy pleasure

            Let all within me, peaceful, reconciled be

            Until at last, at last, I am content with Thee."

- Amy Carmichael

Often that "peace of God, which transcends all understanding" is wished upon people, as if it were a new outfit arriving at your doorstep that you can put on in a moment.

But in reality this is a discipline, a heart attitude to develop- a constant rejoicing in who God is. His goodness does not change, though the circumstances around me will. I have the opportunity to develop gentleness in every situation, to respond with sweet reasonableness and meekness in the face of utter chaos, because God is unchanging and near. When I choose to fight anxiety by bringing and submitting my prayers to my Savior in the midst of worship and thanksgiving, at all times, then and only then will the peace of God reign in my heart.

As a wise pastor helped me see, when God becomes such a precious treasure to me that the greatest possible pain is losing my intimacy with Him, then suffering, loss, and rejection will fade in light of my closeness to God. This is truly the inner peace of God, pure contentment in Him, complete conviction of His goodness and faithfulness, in the face of evil around me. 

Oh, that God would teach me how to love deeply and compassionately care, while fully trusting His goodness even when difficult things happen to our residents.

I have no good apart from You

God had a gift prepared for me in the early hours of the morning. 

I couldn’t sleep tonight, as I grieved a friend’s deep loss, missed loved ones far away and anxiety smeared across every thought. I got up and began pouring over the Psalms. And God met with me.

“Yahweh, You are my Lord. I have no good apart from You” (Psalm 16:2).

I have no good apart from You. No good. The one treasure I have on this earth is Jesus Christ, my Lord, my Lover, my Savior. How could I ever lose sight of this? I long for other things, but the One who makes those things good in the first place is right here with me. The only reason those good things exist is to point me back to the Creator, the One who gave me the ability to have relationships and love in the first place. Why should I desire anything else when the ultimate desire of my heart holds me in His arms? “What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord” (Philippians 3:8). Jesus looks at the things I ask for and knows they are trash compared to an intimate relationship with Him. Instead of giving me trash, He places the most precious pearl in my hand - Himself. My Savior knows me, more deeply than anyone could (Ps 139:1). He has been present with me through the rich and dry seasons of my life (Matt 28:20, Heb 13:5). He speaks gently to me (John 10:27, Hosea 2:14). He is a refuge for me when I am pelted by the storm (Ps 46:1). He desperately loves me, when no one else could (Rom 5:8, Eph 2:4).

I have no good apart from You. Why am I surprised at loss, suffering and pain? This world has nothing to offer except that which points me back to Jesus. I should expect anything else to bear the symptoms of darkness. 

And I will fall asleep to this reminder…

All I know is I’m not home yet

This is not where I belong

Take this world and give me Jesus

This is not where I belong

(Building 429 “Where I Belong”)

May God give me the perseverance and courage to dedicate my life on this earth, however long it may be, to sharing this beautiful gift with people.

The meaning of mercy

Tonight John Piper's words are much more powerful than anything I could say,

"I see in Hosea 2:14–23 at least three things God does for us, his rebellious wife, to win us back; and I see one overriding thing that he wants from us. The first thing he does is woo us tenderly. Verse 14: "Behold, I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her." We are all guilty of harlotry. We have loved other lovers more than God. We have gotten our kicks elsewhere. He has been at times an annoying deity. We, like Gomer, were enslaved to a paramour, the world, pleasure, ambition. But God has not cast us off. He promises to take us into the wilderness. He wants to be alone with us. Why? So that he can speak tenderly to us. Literally, the Hebrew says, so that he can speak "to her heart." And when he speaks, he will allure you. He will entice you and woo you. He will say what a lover says to his lady when they walk away from the party into the garden. God wants to talk that way with you. Go with him into the wilderness and listen with your heart. Do not think you are too ugly or too rotten. He knows that his wife is a harlot. That's the meaning of mercy: God is wooing a wife of harlotry.

The second thing God does is promise her hope and safety. Verse 15: "And there I will give her vineyards and make the valley of Achor a door of hope." The valley of Achor is where Israel was first unfaithful to the Lord in the promised land. Just after Israel entered the land, Achan kept the forbidden booty and caused the defeat at Ai. But now God promises that if his harlot will come home, Achor will no longer be a "valley of trouble" (Joshua 7:26), but a door of hope. She will come home to rich vineyards. Verse 18 spells out her hope in more detail: "I will make for you a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the air, and the creeping things of the ground, and I will abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the land; and I will make you lie down in safety." If only his estranged wife will come home, she will find a paradise with her husband: he will make a pact even with the animals, lest they do harm; and he will remove all violence and conflict. These are no doubt the words God speaks into the heart of his wife in the lonely place. "It will be so good, so good! Put away your harlotry and come home.""

Give it one more chance...

"Sir, give it one more chance. Leave it another year, and I’ll give it special attention and plenty of fertilizer" (Luke 13:8).

I often wrestle with my own frustration and disillusionment with the difficulty of deep change in myself and our residents. I constantly beg God to grant our residents second chances at life. Providence House in some ways is a garden, where as a community we are able to nurture, water, and prune each other and trust that God will allow us to bear fruit in different areas of our life in due time. How thankful I am for second chances.

I battle to believe that I can look a repentant sister in the eyes and say: “The Lord also has put away your sin; you shall not die” (2 Samuel 12:13). Literally, you shall not die. She is battling for not just her spiritual life, but her physical life in this fight with addiction. We know that if she relapses and continues to abuse alcohol there is one unavoidable outcome.


Then I am struck by the patient nature of God. We know that the Lord is waiting to fulfill His promises to us because He wants more people to repent and come to Him (2 Peter 3:9). So will He not also give broken men and women, these small fig trees, chance and chance again to bear fruit?

I am grateful to the Lord for many things this week. A few "second chances" I've witnessed: One of my women receiving a brand new treatment for hepatitis C found that after 7 weeks of treatment, her liver functioning is at a normal level. What would have been a 2-year treatment plan was cut to 1 year. Another one of my women who has been wrestling with the fear of failure finally stepped forward and got a full-time, permanent job. 

Please praise the Lord with me for these things!

               As I write this, my heart is heavy. This week has been a dark one for Providence House, but I acknowledge that God is faithful, willing and able to redeem all these situations. He loves our residents more than I ever could. Without going into details, we have had several relapses, breakdowns and evictions, and I am currently watching one resident caught in a downward spiral that is heading toward an eviction or relapse. I am grasping onto the hope that he will, by the grace of God, break through and change his path around. Sometimes it is hard to believe.

                So how can one deal with the evil we have been confronting this week? My failure has been succumbing to fear. “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise—in God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to [them]?”(Ps. 56: 3-4). I fear what will happen to my brothers and sisters who we have to let out onto the street, are facing mental illnesses alone, have no support or family around them, or have allowed drugs and alcohol back into their lives. But what is the “word I praise”? The Word that tells me “for the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” (Heb. 12:11). He tells me that He wants “all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth.” (1 Tim 2:4). That truth can set them free (John 8:32) from their slavery and when Jesus sets them free with that truth, they “will be free indeed” (John 8:36). He promises me that He will “not do wickedly, and…will not pervert justice” (Job 34:12). This is the God I know, and this is the God who will not give up. This is the God who suffers alongside our residents, our brothers and sisters in their extreme pain.
 

Please pray for God’s peace and redemption to descend on this House.