I have no good apart from You

God had a gift prepared for me in the early hours of the morning. 

I couldn’t sleep tonight, as I grieved a friend’s deep loss, missed loved ones far away and anxiety smeared across every thought. I got up and began pouring over the Psalms. And God met with me.

“Yahweh, You are my Lord. I have no good apart from You” (Psalm 16:2).

I have no good apart from You. No good. The one treasure I have on this earth is Jesus Christ, my Lord, my Lover, my Savior. How could I ever lose sight of this? I long for other things, but the One who makes those things good in the first place is right here with me. The only reason those good things exist is to point me back to the Creator, the One who gave me the ability to have relationships and love in the first place. Why should I desire anything else when the ultimate desire of my heart holds me in His arms? “What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord” (Philippians 3:8). Jesus looks at the things I ask for and knows they are trash compared to an intimate relationship with Him. Instead of giving me trash, He places the most precious pearl in my hand - Himself. My Savior knows me, more deeply than anyone could (Ps 139:1). He has been present with me through the rich and dry seasons of my life (Matt 28:20, Heb 13:5). He speaks gently to me (John 10:27, Hosea 2:14). He is a refuge for me when I am pelted by the storm (Ps 46:1). He desperately loves me, when no one else could (Rom 5:8, Eph 2:4).

I have no good apart from You. Why am I surprised at loss, suffering and pain? This world has nothing to offer except that which points me back to Jesus. I should expect anything else to bear the symptoms of darkness. 

And I will fall asleep to this reminder…

All I know is I’m not home yet

This is not where I belong

Take this world and give me Jesus

This is not where I belong

(Building 429 “Where I Belong”)

May God give me the perseverance and courage to dedicate my life on this earth, however long it may be, to sharing this beautiful gift with people.

The meaning of mercy

Tonight John Piper's words are much more powerful than anything I could say,

"I see in Hosea 2:14–23 at least three things God does for us, his rebellious wife, to win us back; and I see one overriding thing that he wants from us. The first thing he does is woo us tenderly. Verse 14: "Behold, I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her." We are all guilty of harlotry. We have loved other lovers more than God. We have gotten our kicks elsewhere. He has been at times an annoying deity. We, like Gomer, were enslaved to a paramour, the world, pleasure, ambition. But God has not cast us off. He promises to take us into the wilderness. He wants to be alone with us. Why? So that he can speak tenderly to us. Literally, the Hebrew says, so that he can speak "to her heart." And when he speaks, he will allure you. He will entice you and woo you. He will say what a lover says to his lady when they walk away from the party into the garden. God wants to talk that way with you. Go with him into the wilderness and listen with your heart. Do not think you are too ugly or too rotten. He knows that his wife is a harlot. That's the meaning of mercy: God is wooing a wife of harlotry.

The second thing God does is promise her hope and safety. Verse 15: "And there I will give her vineyards and make the valley of Achor a door of hope." The valley of Achor is where Israel was first unfaithful to the Lord in the promised land. Just after Israel entered the land, Achan kept the forbidden booty and caused the defeat at Ai. But now God promises that if his harlot will come home, Achor will no longer be a "valley of trouble" (Joshua 7:26), but a door of hope. She will come home to rich vineyards. Verse 18 spells out her hope in more detail: "I will make for you a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the air, and the creeping things of the ground, and I will abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the land; and I will make you lie down in safety." If only his estranged wife will come home, she will find a paradise with her husband: he will make a pact even with the animals, lest they do harm; and he will remove all violence and conflict. These are no doubt the words God speaks into the heart of his wife in the lonely place. "It will be so good, so good! Put away your harlotry and come home.""

Give it one more chance...

"Sir, give it one more chance. Leave it another year, and I’ll give it special attention and plenty of fertilizer" (Luke 13:8).

I often wrestle with my own frustration and disillusionment with the difficulty of deep change in myself and our residents. I constantly beg God to grant our residents second chances at life. Providence House in some ways is a garden, where as a community we are able to nurture, water, and prune each other and trust that God will allow us to bear fruit in different areas of our life in due time. How thankful I am for second chances.

I battle to believe that I can look a repentant sister in the eyes and say: “The Lord also has put away your sin; you shall not die” (2 Samuel 12:13). Literally, you shall not die. She is battling for not just her spiritual life, but her physical life in this fight with addiction. We know that if she relapses and continues to abuse alcohol there is one unavoidable outcome.


Then I am struck by the patient nature of God. We know that the Lord is waiting to fulfill His promises to us because He wants more people to repent and come to Him (2 Peter 3:9). So will He not also give broken men and women, these small fig trees, chance and chance again to bear fruit?

I am grateful to the Lord for many things this week. A few "second chances" I've witnessed: One of my women receiving a brand new treatment for hepatitis C found that after 7 weeks of treatment, her liver functioning is at a normal level. What would have been a 2-year treatment plan was cut to 1 year. Another one of my women who has been wrestling with the fear of failure finally stepped forward and got a full-time, permanent job. 

Please praise the Lord with me for these things!

               As I write this, my heart is heavy. This week has been a dark one for Providence House, but I acknowledge that God is faithful, willing and able to redeem all these situations. He loves our residents more than I ever could. Without going into details, we have had several relapses, breakdowns and evictions, and I am currently watching one resident caught in a downward spiral that is heading toward an eviction or relapse. I am grasping onto the hope that he will, by the grace of God, break through and change his path around. Sometimes it is hard to believe.

                So how can one deal with the evil we have been confronting this week? My failure has been succumbing to fear. “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise—in God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to [them]?”(Ps. 56: 3-4). I fear what will happen to my brothers and sisters who we have to let out onto the street, are facing mental illnesses alone, have no support or family around them, or have allowed drugs and alcohol back into their lives. But what is the “word I praise”? The Word that tells me “for the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” (Heb. 12:11). He tells me that He wants “all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth.” (1 Tim 2:4). That truth can set them free (John 8:32) from their slavery and when Jesus sets them free with that truth, they “will be free indeed” (John 8:36). He promises me that He will “not do wickedly, and…will not pervert justice” (Job 34:12). This is the God I know, and this is the God who will not give up. This is the God who suffers alongside our residents, our brothers and sisters in their extreme pain.
 

Please pray for God’s peace and redemption to descend on this House.

Revived Soul

"The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul." Ps. 19:7

In a whirlwind of traveling, talking, laughing, praying, experiencing friends and family and God, it's time to slow down a bit and reflect on what I'm witnessing the Lord doing around me.

And update: I had a wonderful time driving with my brother down from Chicago to Denver to start a new season of my life at Providence House. I will be living and working in a long-term transitional home for men and women recovering from addictions. I pray the Lord will teach me how to share in their pain and rejoice in their victories as we journey through a section of life together (Romans 12:15).

Only two weeks after I began working, I was blessed with the opportunity to take a 3-week trip out of the US. I still can't believe this was possible. But I'll accept it and rejoice in it! I first flew to Kyrgyzstan to visit my parents. It was a short, but sweet trip. We enjoyed swimming in Issik-kul, relaxing on the beach, painting fences, picking cherries, camping and hiking in the mountains, watching two baby doves grow in a nest in their backyard and what else but dealing with an overflowing/clogged septic tank. The joys of life.

Then from Kyrgyzstan I flew to Chile to visit my dear friend Diane. I met her boyfriend, Pablo, for the first time and experienced as much of Santiago, Viña del Mar and Valparaiso as they could cram into a week. Camping, attempts at surfing, THE ninja game, enjoying a beautiful walk along the shore at night with Diane, great conversations, being stuffed with delicious food, music, church and youth group. How sweet it is to experience a taste of another culture, another revelation, another perspective of our Creator. Tomorrow morning I head back to Chicago, then to Denver on Sunday.

It all sounds rather idyllic, and in many ways it was (for which I am so grateful!)...but this trip was interspersed with reminders of the brokenness and pain in the world around us. Goodbyes, both final and temporary, are almost always bitter. But God continues to revive my heart with His whispers, when I take the time to listen and look for His voice. I pray the same for those in my life who need to hear His sweet, gentle whisper (1 Kings 19:11-13).

"In death by love
The fallen world was overcome
He wears the scars of our freedom
In His Name
All our fears are swept away
He never fails

All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome
All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome" (Hillsong, "Take Heart")

Lord Jesus, truly, Your words and Your commands are pure and good. They bring life and light. There is no death in them, unless we close our ears and harden our hearts against them. You are the power of God and the wisdom of God, trumping all other human strength and wisdom (1 Corinthians 1:22-24). I plead with you to open my heart to Your law and to Your commands. Destroy any fear I have of obeying you. I want to love Your words with all of my heart, my mind and my strength because they come from You. They are your thoughts and Your will. I want to love what you love and do what you do. I want to think Your thoughts and see the world and Your creation through Your eyes. Reveal and test my heart. You are so worthy.


Thank you for your prayers, support and communication. They are appreciated so much.

Please pray for a church and community in Denver that will challenge and support my walk with God. Also pray that I would honor God in the way I am living and building relationships with the residents at Providence House upon my return; that God would give me humility and teach-ability and I would be open to His continual guidance.

In Him,
Bekah

It's been a while...

Big cities seem to breed loneliness.

Sometimes the more people, the less of a person I feel.

I have to choose to remember the knack Jesus had at picking a single person out of the crowd. A sick person with faith. That’s who I want to be – a cripple who believes, because only a cripple can be healed (Mark 2:17).

One beautiful woman I met in downtown Chicago reminds me of this. At first I hesitated at sharing her story at all, because I didn’t want to devalue our interaction as just something interesting to write about. But I think what little I know about her can show us a glimpse of the human spirit God is looking for. She is homeless and makes a living selling Streetwise magazines for $2 each. I have been talking to her every Wednesday morning when I travel downtown for class. 

Grace is a bold woman. Grace wears a red “I love Jesus” bandana. She arrives at her church at 7 a.m. to help set up for the service and serve snacks and coffee to people coming in the door. She is one of the last ones to leave at the end of the service. The first thing Grace always asks me is how I am doing, and the last thing she always says is “God bless you and be safe.” But there's so much more.

Grace also does not have a State ID, birth certificate or social security card and therefore cannot lease an apartment. She is living with her son and has no way for me to contact her except to show up on her street corner on Wednesday mornings. She realizes her past mistakes and desperately wants to start over again. She knows she needs to take difficult steps to get there. When I was helping her find resources for getting her State ID, I warned her that some of the people at the DMV might be a little impatient or harsh with her. She quickly said something to the effect of: ”Then we need to pray! We need to pray that the person before me doesn’t put them in a bad mood. Everybody has a bad day, so I am going to pray that the Lord doesn’t have me go there on a bad day. And if they are in a bad mood, I am going to bless them, thank them for helping me (because they did!) and wish them a great day. It’s a humbling experience. And I need to humble myself.” Of course, I’m worried that she might be shocked at how poorly she is treated at the DMV. As if this hasn’t happened every day to Grace. As if she doesn’t have a Savior to rely on and a love for humility to pursue.

                Almost a month has passed since I actually began this post. Three Wednesdays ago, before I left Chicago for my graduation, Grace was not on her street corner. My thoughts plummeted. Maybe her son finally did kick her out and she couldn’t manage to make it there to keep selling magazines? Maybe she is hurt? The next Wednesday she wasn’t there either.

                Or maybe she actually got her State ID. And maybe she is living in her own apartment and began a different job. I try to hope. And I just find myself begging God to protect her.  

                So, I don’t know where this leaves me. Perhaps a lack of faith. Perhaps a grasp on the reality of the homeless lifestyle. “Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.” (Matthew 25:40) I want to suggest that Grace ministered to me. Indeed, in humility, experience, wisdom, dedication to God next to Grace I am the “least of these.” And God used her in my life. Why is it that I’m so tempted to see Him putting me in her life, and not the other way around? She graciously gave up her time, wisdom and cheery outlook to me even when she has been misused and mistreated by so many other people like me. Even those who seem to have good intentions are often seeking self-righteousness or self-gratification through helping others, as I have done many times. It's disgusting, and I pray that God never lets me do it again.

Maybe Grace is worried about me. Wondering where I went. And begging God to protect me. I can only wonder.

For a practical update: I have ended my internship. I am spending the summer in Chicago. Today I moved into an apartment in Rogers Park, the neighborhood in which many refugees I worked with live (It is actually the most diverse zip code in the US). I am working at a coffee shop right next door to my church. 

Last week I was at graduation at Hope College. It was a bittersweet time. Now it’s mostly bitter, as I had to say goodbye to many dear friends. I know in the future it will become sweeter as I begin new relationships, God begins a new season of my life, and as I keep in touch and continue to grow in some older relationships.

Please pray for God to bring about connections in this neighborhood and make it clear exactly what His purpose for me is, in my own character growth and walk with Him as well as ministries while I am here for three months.

More updates about the fall to come later….

“You keep Him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts you.” Isaiah 26:2

"I once was blind, but now I see...."



Words that the blind man sang to the strums of his guitar at the train station today.

A Fountain Untapped

This morning during my walk to work, I realized how much of my life I have spent running from things.

I have attempted to avoid or numb pain, instead of pursuing wholeness and healing.

I have lived to run from lies, instead of chasing after truth.

What would happen if I chose to act out of love, instead of trying to dampen my hatred?

What would my life be like if I desired humility, instead of trying to strangle my pride?

As far back as my first clear thought, I have been a questioner. Saying I was always uncomfortable with ideas taken for granted is an extreme understatement. This sometimes drove me half insane, because the grasp of my intelligence was so limited and I couldn't stand it. I saw today that maybe part of the problem with my approach was that I was trying to protect myself from believing in something wrong, as opposed to trying to find the truth. I focused so much on rooting out the lies, instead of filling up my heart with the things of God. I lived a lot of my life in a subtle terror.

“And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.” Heb. 11:6

The emphasis here is on drawing near to God, believing he exists, seeking him and being rewarded (no doubt with the very presence/existence of God being the ultimate prize to the seeker).

Don’t get me wrong—We have to empty out our hearts of any rebelliousness toward God in order to fill them up with a passion and desire for Him (Matthew 12:43). But the emphasis, what we truly seek, is the passion and desire for Him, not the lack of rebelliousness.

In fact, exactly the same actions could be done with different attitudes of absence or abundance.

I could fast to try to empty my body of its carnal desires. Or I could do what these groups decided to do…I was reading about testimonies of groups who chose to fast certain meals during the week and donate the money they normally would have spent on those meals to the poor. Their choice of a tiny absence in their own lives brought momentary fullness into the life of a starving family. The focus, however was on filling the family. 

It seems that discipline is not beneficial, if it does not free up some space, whether in our heart, our time, our thoughts, or our finances to be overflowed with the abundance of Jesus Christ. 

God has been showing me that even in times of heavy sorrow, questioning, longing, and loneliness there is a fullness beyond description in pursuing Him. Because He is not only a Sustainer, but He is a God of abundance. Sometimes I think that I have been so stuck on losses, emptiness and weakness, that I have yet to tap into that abundance, and I pray that He teaches me how. I pray this, so that His abundance might overflow through my every word and action to the people I am working with that He loves so dearly. Today I can only admit my own fear, unwillingness, and foolishness, but I look forward to the day when I can boast more in His courage, boldness, and deep, gentle love.

Please pray with me that I, and the entire Church, and those we encounter throughout our days, would start to see Jesus more for the true, rich fountain that He is.