"I once was blind, but now I see...."



Words that the blind man sang to the strums of his guitar at the train station today.

A Fountain Untapped

This morning during my walk to work, I realized how much of my life I have spent running from things.

I have attempted to avoid or numb pain, instead of pursuing wholeness and healing.

I have lived to run from lies, instead of chasing after truth.

What would happen if I chose to act out of love, instead of trying to dampen my hatred?

What would my life be like if I desired humility, instead of trying to strangle my pride?

As far back as my first clear thought, I have been a questioner. Saying I was always uncomfortable with ideas taken for granted is an extreme understatement. This sometimes drove me half insane, because the grasp of my intelligence was so limited and I couldn't stand it. I saw today that maybe part of the problem with my approach was that I was trying to protect myself from believing in something wrong, as opposed to trying to find the truth. I focused so much on rooting out the lies, instead of filling up my heart with the things of God. I lived a lot of my life in a subtle terror.

“And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.” Heb. 11:6

The emphasis here is on drawing near to God, believing he exists, seeking him and being rewarded (no doubt with the very presence/existence of God being the ultimate prize to the seeker).

Don’t get me wrong—We have to empty out our hearts of any rebelliousness toward God in order to fill them up with a passion and desire for Him (Matthew 12:43). But the emphasis, what we truly seek, is the passion and desire for Him, not the lack of rebelliousness.

In fact, exactly the same actions could be done with different attitudes of absence or abundance.

I could fast to try to empty my body of its carnal desires. Or I could do what these groups decided to do…I was reading about testimonies of groups who chose to fast certain meals during the week and donate the money they normally would have spent on those meals to the poor. Their choice of a tiny absence in their own lives brought momentary fullness into the life of a starving family. The focus, however was on filling the family. 

It seems that discipline is not beneficial, if it does not free up some space, whether in our heart, our time, our thoughts, or our finances to be overflowed with the abundance of Jesus Christ. 

God has been showing me that even in times of heavy sorrow, questioning, longing, and loneliness there is a fullness beyond description in pursuing Him. Because He is not only a Sustainer, but He is a God of abundance. Sometimes I think that I have been so stuck on losses, emptiness and weakness, that I have yet to tap into that abundance, and I pray that He teaches me how. I pray this, so that His abundance might overflow through my every word and action to the people I am working with that He loves so dearly. Today I can only admit my own fear, unwillingness, and foolishness, but I look forward to the day when I can boast more in His courage, boldness, and deep, gentle love.

Please pray with me that I, and the entire Church, and those we encounter throughout our days, would start to see Jesus more for the true, rich fountain that He is.