As I'm writing this, I'm staring out the window of my hotel room on the 18th floor. I hear the Blue Line rumbling past every 10 minutes or so. I see windows...and windows...and windows. One just fluttered out its light.

This is Chicago.

I feel relieved that I am finally here, while at the same time grieving my loss of community and friends at Hope. Tonight, however, I am reminded of God's faithfulness and goodness, as He was already here working in this city before I ever set foot (and heart and mind) here.

I am saddened at how little I trusted Him last night and this morning. I was stressed and snappy with my parents, rushing back from a weekend at Hope and packing up to drive here this morning. I tend to scold myself and resolve to have more self-control next time, but as I'm thinking about this tonight I think I truly do not trust God enough to take care of me. When I am alone in a big city, when I am lost, when I don't think I have anyone to help me or support me, when I leave people I love very dearly...I feel despair. It grieves me that I am not more confident and assured in the fact that the Lord is so good, able, and willing in every situation. I pray He molds my heart to be calm and expectant at all times. Tomorrow is a new day to draw closer to Him.

"Blessed is the one who trusts in you." Ps 84:12

"My soul faints with longing for your salvation, but I have put my hope in your word." Ps. 130:5

It's at times like these that I am reminded that the world (and my heart) is not as it ought to be. I am longing for a home not present on this earth.

"How lovely is your dwelling place,
LORD Almighty!
My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.
Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
LORD Almighty, my King and my God.
Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you." Psalm 84:1-4

But because things are not as they should be, by God's grace and calling I am committed to doing what I can to break the chains of people around me. I ran across this short essay that explains some (although not all) of why I want to work with marginalized populations and am walking toward a life of simplicity, living and working among the poor, the helpless, the difficult, the alienated by society. I still have some responsibilities to fulfill in order to finish my college degree, but I choose to trust in God's timing, and I hope to grow in living out these truths right here in this city.

An excerpt from The Lausanne Covenant:

"God is both the Creator and Judge of all men. We therefore should share his concern for justice and reconciliation throughout human society and for the liberation of men and women from every kind of oppression. Because men and women are made in the image of God, every person, regardless of race, religion, colour, culture, class, sex or age, has an intrinsic dignity because of which he or she should be respected and served, not exploited. Here too we epress penitence both for our neglect and for having sometimes regarded evangelism and social concern as mutually exclusive. Although reconciliation with other people is not reconciliation with God, nor is social action evangelism, nor is political liberation salvation, nevertheless we affirm that evangelism and socio-political involvement are both part of our Christian duty. For both are necessary expressions of our doctrines of God and Man, our love for our nieghbour and our obedience to Jesus Christ. The message of salvation implies also a message of judgment upon every form of alienation, oppression and discrimination, and we should not be afraid to denounce evil and injustice wherever they exist. When people receive Christ they are born again into his kingdom and must seek not only to exhibit but also to spread its righteousness in the midst of an unrighteous world. The salvation we claim should be transforming us in the totality of our person and social responsibilities. Faith without works is dead."

It's late...and my thoughts and writings are scattered, but the Lord is giving me undeserved peace tonight.
I'll write more when my internship starts and I move in to my apartment. May the Lord bless you with peace tonight as well, and may you be thankful!

To blog or not to blog?

With a couple free hours to internally debate this idea, I finally decided to do it.

Now, for those of you who know me and my cynical relationship with technology...or have seen my primitive cell phone, you know how much I dislike what social media has done to our relationships and communication. So why am I deciding to be a part of this?

I realized that one of my biggest fears was the pride involved in creating a narcissistic website about myself and my adventures (or the attempt to make them seem as such). A desire for human approval. The temptation to exaggerate for the sake of interesting posts. The Lord has been showing me how these are deep-set issues in the nature of my heart, however. They are not something that I can blame on an external trigger, and whether that external trigger is there or not- they will still be issues hindering my walk with God. I have to take the knife to sin at its root (my heart), not throw a blanket over it by avoiding situations where my pride surfaces.

So I'm praying God helps me keep pride at bay as I start this blog, and if the Lord shows me that it is or it becomes a reason- I pray I will have the clarity and wisdom to immediately quit writing. The main reason I wanted to start this is to ask for prayer, which, along with my own pursuit of God by His strength, grace, and mercy, will sustain me during my time in Chicago. 

The second reason is to process my experiences transparently, hopefully fostering accountability and feedback- since so many of you, my friends and family, are far away! 

So, all that heavy stuff being said, I'm starting to get very excited about my journey ahead. Next week begins the few months I am going to be interning with Heartland Alliance, an organization caring and advocating for refugees in Chicago. Please pray for a balance between boldness in speaking God's truth, grace and love, and a respect of secular authority, as well as wisdom to know the difference between the two.

 “Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked." Psalm 82:3-4

I believe in God's desire for justice to the oppressed, and wholeness and integrity in our society – which will only be fully found in Him. So, I look forward to God’s deeper revelation of who He is and what He is doing in and through me these upcoming months. 

And throughout this process...if anyone who happens across this page finds anything they doubt the truth of, the integrity of, or anything dishonoring to God, please let me know. I would much rather be engaged and confronted in my thinking, than simply talk at people about what is going on in my life. 

Our Lord is so good. Blessings to you all! :)