The Lord continues to show Himself to me as my Sustainer.
"I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the LORD sustained me." Ps. 3:5
As I've been trailblazing throughout these past two weeks, God has shown, yet again, how He sticks by my side and continues to call me closer to Himself.

I have been meeting daily with refugees from Bhutan, Burma, DRC, Sudan, Mexico, Colombia, Eritrea, and Iran. We talk about their goals and desires in the US, practice interviews, clarify any questions that they have about the application process. I also call employers or social services to advocate for them, as well as take them on trips to interviews, Public Aid appointments, or counseling appointments. Their English level varies greatly, and my non-verbal communication skills are being stretched! I already sometimes forget what a strikingly rich range of cultures, languages, and experiences gather together in our dumpy little third-floor office. 


"It was easy to love God in all that was beautiful. The lessons of deeper knowledge, though, instructed me to embrace God in all things." I don't think I can fully grasp St. Francis of Assisi's quote in my own life yet. To what extent in suffering am I willing to see God in His beauty and goodness? I ask the same question of these refugees. Often, in talking to them, the beauty is obvious. They are so eager to learn and work. Many are incredibly warm, sweet and fast to build a relationship with you. Many are very sharp and quick to pick up helpful information. They are thankful to be in the US. But they also have been through hell.  

We don't ask them to tell their stories, but you can get a glimpse of it when you see the desperation in their eyes, see how the American "system" treats them, or read about what is currently happening in their home countries. You meet the woman who barely engages with English or relationships because of post-traumatic stress. You meet the Burmese couple, who spent 20 years in a Thailand refugee camp, who will not even look you in the eyes when you tell them that it is OK now, they are safe here, and we will help them. Sometimes I can't hope they will ever embrace God as beautiful after the ugliness they have witnessed. But I'm looking at God through the skewed lense of circumstances. I need to break free of this immature view, and I hope to learn about brokenness from these amazing survivors.

“Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for.

Brokenness is what I need.”

Can I truly say these words? Not in a trendy, I-feel-humble, broken with a protective covering kind of way. But actual brokenness? Brokenness that hurts and never stops hurting. Brokenness that sometimes rips relationships apart. Brokenness that grips your chest and traps the exhale in your lungs. Brokenness that costs something significant. Something you love sweetly. Something good. Something you don’t think you can live without.

Can I ask that God reveals my actual wretched state? For the sake of pursuing something greater, someone so much more worthy.

Not for blessing, not for peace, joy, comfort, or assurance. But for who He is, His name, His glory, His kingdom, His victory. 

I hate brokenness. But one thing I do know is that, without fail, the revelation of my brokenness leads me back to the only One who is worth it all. 

I know that if I continue pursuing and being led by the One I love, it will be expensive. I want to be willing to sell my house and all my belongings to buy the plot of land. I want to be willing to ignore the entire plot of land for the pearl hidden in the dirt. But I can't do this out of my own righteousness or will...instead, out of the pearl's intrinsic value (Matthew 13:44).

Luke 22:24 “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”

The Lord has barely shown me a glimpse of the suffering and brokenness my own soul will come to, going down this path. Can I accept this? Will I follow?

This is not a rhetorical question. I have to answer. I want to say yes, but my flesh still screams no….

Jesus said yes.


"Won't you take this cup from me 
Cause fear has stolen all my sleep 
If tomorrow means my death 
Pray you'll save their souls with it
 
Let the songs I sing bring joy to you 
Let the words I say confess my love 
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune 
Father let my heart be after you
 
In this hour of doubt I see  
Who I am is not just me  
So give me strength to die myself  
So love can live to tell the tale"

 Garden by Needtobreathe